LMRC

i am a HORRIBLE person
you are all absolutely right for totally despising me
i am a waste of good air

today, moments after walking into the house from work, i hear a sound like tapping at the front door
the dogs didnt even pick up on it and go ballistic as they normally would, but they were excited cuz daddy was home

i, stupidly, went to the door and opened it
tess, my sweet princess, who loves everyone, runs out to lick the visitor, who recoils in horror and shrieks,"dont let your dogs bite me!!!!"--armando and gabriel are of course barking and howling in their wolven chorus

omg, this is like the second time in as many days that we have been insulted---WE do NOT bite people, thank you very much!

anyway, i digress

this woman on crutches then asks"can you give me a ride somewhere?"

i dont know her and i without even considering her request said--i'm sorry, i cant help you and closed the door
as i'm shutting the dorr and she is turning away i realize she is on crutches because she only has one leg

of course i have my issues from the past ---every time i try to help someone it turns into a nightmare for me--last time i said, "never again will i help a stranger"

i went back inside, fed the babies and then like a freak of guilt, i went looking for ms. one leg

i didnt find her
where could she have gotten to so quickly?
could she have already found a ride elsewhere
was it yet another con that i somehow sidestepped?

i feel badly

but wait, i am even more evil than you think

last nite, i tossed my 15 year old cat out the house into freezing temps because she is a bitch, but even so, it was mean

before i got the pups, she was indoor/outdoor
after i got the babies, she stopped wanting to come inside
for the last 5.5 years, she has been outside
all of a sudden this past fall she started wanting to come in
fine
no problem
come in
all has been well for the past several months
all of a sudden last night she starts walking around peeing on things
she peed on tess's bed, on the rug and then here and then there
i'm a good daddy...i follow behind her, cleaning with simple solution for pet stains and then, i'm like---go outside dammit!

later, i let her back in
she walks straight to the dogfood dish and pees in their food
that was the final straw---i yelled grabbed her up and unceremoniously tossed her out the door and she is not coming back in

i have been saying for the past year that she seems to be going senile
she may even be pissed off at the dogs for some reason, or even have a medical problem that she is trying to get my attention but i just will not tolerate it; my dogs are my babies!
but...it got down to 26 last nite

anyone still speaking to me?

you know how i feel about sweet taters

LOCAL BOY WINS BIG AT GOLDEN GLOBES

Tony Kushner



Golden Globes

i used this link to find where i could e-file my federal taxes for free(i used this specific site; many sites try to sell you something while you are doing so---just say no

i also e-filed my state taxes for free here but that will only help louisiana filers--try googling your own state's tax url---oh wtf, let me help! try these:

oklahoma

iowa

indiana

massachusetts

pennsylvania

kansas

california

texas didnt have state income tax when i lived there and i dont think they do now

if i left anyone out,try here

yes, setbacks suck, and not in a good way
i am feeling better, not best, but working on it



according to chinese astrology i am a rabbit

Timid and attractive, the Rabbits of the Chinese Zodiac tend to act more like bunnies, whether they like it or not! This Sign is extremely popular and has a wide circle of family and friends. Its compassionate nature leads it to be very protective of those it holds dear, but where romance is concerned, the Rabbit's sentimentality can lead it to idealize relationships. The sweet, sensitive Rabbit often ends up giving more of itself to a partner than is realistic or healthy. The good news is, when this Sign goes off-balance, the Rabbit's core group of friends and its stable home life help bring it back to center.

The Rabbit is a rather delicate Sign that needs a solid base in order to thrive. Lacking close, supportive friends and family, the Rabbit might just break down in tears at the first sign of conflict. Emotional upsets in this Sign's life can even lead to physical illnesses. Rabbits dislike arguments and other conflict and will try anything to avoid a fight; this results in something of a pushover nature. Rabbits can also lapse into pessimism and may seem stuck in life -- often to mask their insecure natures. Rabbits tend to move through life's lessons at their own, rather contemplative pace; it's a waste of time to become exasperated with this Sign's seeming disinterest in facing its problems and conquering them.

With the right partner -- meaning someone whose high principles won't allow it to take advantage of this sensitive, giving Sign -- the Rabbit can make an incredibly loving and protective partner or family member. Rabbits love to entertain at home and always make sure their house is comfortable and tastefully-furnished. What Rabbits need most is a stronger sense of self-worth and the security that comes with it. Their discerning natures, coupled with some hard-won assertiveness, will help these happy creatures go far.

The most compatible match for a Rabbit is the Goat or the Pig.

you can find your sign here

i went out with melodie and a couple people from her job on chinese new year
i stayed sober, but ate my fill---i love chinese food!!!
i had egg rolls and shrimp toast for appetizers and Dr. Bono's Soup whish has everything you can imagine in it--totally delish!!
had a great time which i really needed

more on the night out later

been feeling actually okay lately and was thinking how the meds were really fab
allasudden tonite i feel like schizo
crazy mood swings and shit
is this what a psychotic break is like?????????
happy sad angry calm wordsconfusionwannasleep
gonna take clonazapam and go bed

the meatrix

As its name implies, the Meatrix spoofs the popular Matrix movies. But
instead of Keanu Reaves, the Meatrix stars a young pig, Leo, who lives
on a pleasant family farm ... he thinks. Leo is approached by a wise
and mysterious cow, Moopheus, who shows Leo the truth about modern
farming -- the truth about the Meatrix!

It may be humorous, but the film also brings up an important issue:
factory farming. Huge, industrial farms have all but wiped out the family
farm in America. Along the way, they are damaging our health, our
environment and our communities (not to mention the lives of billions of
animals).

But the Meatrix isn¹t all gloom and doom. In fact, it ends with an
upbeat, meaningful way that YOU can help fight the factory farming crisis
-- the ³Eat Well Guide², an online healthy-living resource that allows
you to enter your zip code and find nearby family farms that produce
organic, safe produce and meat:

http://www.eatwellguide.org

Supporting family farmers is an effective way for us all to protect the
environment, our health and animal rights. The Eat Well Guide makes it
easy.

If you like The Meatrix or the Eat Well Guide, please send them to your
friends. Now, enjoy the show!

The Meatrix

this email came from harrison today:

Jeffery:

As you may have heard by now, "Harrison on the Edge" has left Sirius
OutQ
line up. We performed our last "Harrison on the Edge" morning show
Friday
for Sirius after staying with OutQ since its launch in April 2003.

Since we could not agree on how to continue the show with Sirius, we
therefore have opted to leave the line up after they terminated our
contract.

Thanks for your many calls today (we've been listening!) We also
appreciate the many emails that have been pouring in. We'll be posting
them on our website along with updates on our future plans.

Please pass along this email to your friends. We are recording a
series
of Internet-only shows called "Politically Uncut" with Harrison, which
can
be heard in the next number of days.

Until then, www.GoHarrison.com and being a member of the "Friends of
Harrison" are the best ways to stay in touch with us.

We'll miss the daily frolic with each of you and hope that you'll be
able
to listen to our new show, "Politically Uncut with Harrison" while
we're
preparing to announce our new broadcast home.

To refer a friend,
http://els.fimc.net/ZGOH/els/elsSignupFrm.asp?MID=31507&NEWMEMBER=1&IAM=9356179

There is so much I'd like to say. and so many friendships I've made
with
you, even if we hadn't yet said Hi on the air. Today's emails, calls,
and
well-wishes are not going un-noticed, and I invite you to keep in touch
as
we rapidly take you forward with us!

Hugz


Cary HARRISON

THE VOICE OF GAY AMERICA

*HARRISON ON THE EDGE* - Radio for the Rest of Us

WebStream at: www.goharrison.com

it seems that Kerry will win in Iowa tonite which in a way i think is a good thing as Dean will not go into New Hampshire as the clear forerunner anymore which is good for Clark



and the man will give you the shirt off his back
see

i wish he'd take it off for me, but i digress

i'm wondering if pebbles or byrdie attended the caucuses
and if so, perhaps some comments on what it was like, please dears

my comments server, blogspeak, has folded and haloscan kindly imported all of its files so that we wouldnt lose all that we had

i did have to delete and then add code but it really wasnt difficult, just took time

to use smilies click on the question mark next to the word comment

i am upgrading to premium service and do not know how that will change what you may see now

let's see if this works

is it possible that i have NOT dealt with major issues in my past, but simply swept them into the recesses of my mind? even issues i thought had been dealt with? damn this medicine! isnt ignorance supposed to be bliss?

this is just way too close to home--closer to uno's than mine, but still way too close
CNN.com - Two students arrested in Columbine-style plot - Jan. 13, 2004

update about the abuse case

the social workers went to the foster parents and tried an intervention which would have allowed the monsters to keep the kids

the foster mother pulled out her bible and showed the social workers all the scriptures that teach that beating children is good for them; this is how they raised their other kids and if they couldnt do it with these they didnt want them

well i know that youre all saying thank goodness as i am, but the kids are still hurting and not just physically

they have to go back to PA as they are wards of that state
and....the worst of it....there are no guarantees that they will be kept together

today in resource, 'S' tells the others, "today is my last day...i'm moving because my mama doesnt want me anymore" i nearly cried

actually, they will be with us for an unknown length of time, but should be gone by the end of the week

okay, then also today, more

two half-siblings that are both my students come to school with bo-bos
'M' is a third grade boy---h is wearing one of those humongous bandaids on the back of his head--it covers most of his skull---his story--i slipped in the mud and fell backwards and busted my head; the doctor says it will heal better without stitches

his half-sister has a bruise on her cheek about the size of a quarter--her story, her step brother accidentally elbowed her in the face

i sashayed my unhappy little ass into the office and said "i may be over reacting due to last week, but here's the situation..." BD is like"stop looking" whatever, bitch do your f'ing job!

i came home and puked

well, blogspeak is still down...if this becomes prolonged, i'll install code from another site and drop blogspeak, but i'm gonna wait a bit cuz i hate playing with all the code-crap

Blogspeak, the site that hosts my comments is down today. Their site says they hope to have the problem fixed by this evening, so write it down and post it later! Mwah!

My inner child is sixteen years old!

Life's not fair! It's never been fair, but while
adults might just accept that, I know
something's gotta change. And it's gonna
change, just as soon as I become an adult and
get some power of my own.


How Old is Your Inner Child?
brought to you by Quizilla


yay!!! i'm the same age as becky! where's my new car, dammit?!?!

Ghost or spirit: You are a lost soul. Very calm and
sweet, you are often the one who asks: What if?
With a clever mind, you want to explore the
world on a different level. Without the
answers, you aren't ready to move on. You are
most likely very creative and find yourself
thinking things through on a different level.
(please rate my quiz)


**Where will you go when you die?**(now with pics)
brought to you by Quizilla

Rough Work Week, continued.....

Thursday afternoon when i was picking up my kindergartener and 1st graders, the kindergarten teacher asked 'S' why her sister was absent the last couple days

sometimes simple questions result in horrors of answers

"she couldnt come to school cuz she cant sit down"
"why cant she sit down?"
"mama whipped her for saying bad words"

her sister, 'N', had returned to school that day and had bruises on her bottom as observed by the teacher---i dont know why the teacher looked, probably because the little girl was crying because it hurt to sit

i told the K teacher that since she had asked the questions it was on her to report it
educators are required by law to report even the suspicion of abuse

Friday morning----

i am walking down the hall and pass the curriculum coordinator's office and 'S' is in there with her teacher, crying hysterically

of course, i go in

apparently the K teacher went to BD to report the stuff from Thursday and BD in her infinite wisdom talks to the parent instead of social services

'S', 'N', and their brother 'A' are foster children and in the process of being adopted
the family moved her from another state recently

foster children cannot be spanked. period. ever.

BD thought the mother may have spanked just a little too hard and wanted the mother to be careful and supposedly warned her that future problems would mean a call to cjild protection

well, "S" got her mother busted when they got home because she told family busuness

she was also told that she and 'N' were gonna be sent back to the people that had them before and never see their brother again

the people that had them before were very abusive and 'S' kept saying they'll put her back in the basement with the skeleton

there's more but you get the idea

i spent the morning playing counselr since ours was out sick this whole past week
i took the girls to my room and we played board games and computer games and ate candy and laughed

i brought them back to their teachers
by then social services were at the school, interviewed the 3 kids and then me

then they were off to the high school to interview older children that had already been adopted by the couple

that afternoon, i babysat again while we waited for a case worker to come take the children
they werent returning home....at least not yet
that was hard--they knew they had missed their bus and were worried what their mother would say/do and when exactly WAS she coming to get them? sad sad sad
the whole day i was near tears but couldnt let the kids see that

having seen similar incidents, i know they may well end up back in the home, but hopefully not

i fear for them

CNN.com - O'Neill: Bush planned Iraq invasion before 9/11 - Jan. 10, 2004

my first thought was"DUUUUUUUHHHH!!!" i hope that there is enough evidence to impeach the bastard. but there are just so many people that think regardless of whether iraq had wmd's and even if he had nothing to do with 9/11, he was evil and we did the right thing---under those definitions there are a lot of other countries we'll be invading; please let there be more proof than a possible disgruntled former employee

The QuickVote on www.cnn.com tonite is

Was the war in Iraq justified if Iraq was not pursuing a weapons of mass destruction program?

Current results:

Yes 46% 45422 votes

No 54% 54394 votes
Total: 99816 votes

this kinda goes with dante's comment on the previous blog entry

today while passing the front office at school i see several members of the sheriff's office so i pop in and whisper to the secretary"what NOW???"

it seems a parent got confused and dropped their pre-K child off at the high school across the street, but at their back bus entrance which is on the next block
did i say that right--dropped the child off--didnt bring them inside which is required at our school

poor lil kid was lost and abandoned(basically) so the police were called to and charges were filed

so put that on your list of things not to do--don't leave 4 year old children on the street and expect them to find their way to class a couple of blocks away

this is an email i received from another educator:


NO CHILD LEFT BEHIND...............................

Take the time to read this. If you don't understand why educators resent the NO CHILD LEFT BEHIND ACT (NCLB), this may help. If you do understand, you'll enjoy this analogy. It was forwarded to me by a friend and written by John S. Taylor, Superintendent of Schools for the Lancaster County School District. Be a friend to a teacher and pass this on.

The Best Dentist---"Absolutely" the Best Dentist

My dentist is great! He sends me reminders so I don't forget checkups. He uses the latest techniques based on research. He never hurts me, and I've got all my teeth, so when I ran into him the other day, I was eager to see if he'd heard about the new state program. I knew he'd think it was great.

"Did you hear about the new state program to measure effectiveness of dentists with their young patients?" I said.

"No," he said. He didn't seem too thrilled. "How will they do that?"

"It's quite simple," I said. "They will just count the number of cavities each patient has at age 10, 14, and 18 and average that to determine a dentist's rating. Dentists will be rated as Excellent,

Good, Average, Below average, and Unsatisfactory. That way parents will know which are the best dentists. It will also encourage the less effective dentists to get better," I said. "Poor dentists who don't improve could lose their licenses to practice."

"That's terrible," he said.

"What? That's not a good attitude," I said. "Don't you think we should try to improve children's dental health in this state?"

"Sure I do," he said, "but that's not a fair way to determine who is practicing good dentistry."

"Why not?" I said. "It makes perfect sense to me."

"Well, it's so obvious," he said. "Don't you see that dentists don't all work with the same clientele; so much depends on things we can't control? For example," he said, "I work in a rural area with a high percentage of patients from deprived homes, while some of my colleagues work in upper middle class neighborhoods. Many of the parents I work with don't bring their children to see me until there is some kind of problem and I don't get to do much preventive work. Also," he said, "many of the parents I serve let their kids eat way too much candy from an early age, unlike more educated parents who understand the relationship between sugar and decay. To top it all off," he added, "so many of my clients have well water which is untreated and has no fluoride in it. Do you have any idea how much difference early use of fluoride can make?"

"It sounds like you're making excuses," I said. I couldn't believe my dentist would be so defensive. He does a great job.

"I am not!" he said. "My best patients are as good as anyone's, my work is as good as anyone's, but my average cavity count is going to be higher than a lot of other dentists because I chose to work where I am needed most."

"Don't' get touchy," I said.

"Touchy?" he said. His face had turned red and from the way he was clenching and unclenching his jaws, I was afraid he was going to damage his teeth. "Try furious. In a system like this, I will end up being rated average, below average, or worse. My more educated patients who see these ratings may believe this so-called rating actually is a measure of my ability and proficiency as a dentist. They may leave me, and I'll be left with only the neediest patients. And my cavity average score will get even worse. On top of that, how will I attract good dental hygienists and other excellent dentists to my practice if it is labeled below average?"

"I think you are overreacting," I said. "'Complaining, excuse making and stonewalling won't improve dental health'...I am quoting from a leading member of the DOC," I noted.

"What's the DOC?" he asked.

"It's the Dental Oversight Committee," I said, "a group made up of mostly laypersons to make sure dentistry in this state gets improved."

"Spare me," he said, "I can't believe this. Reasonable people won't buy it," he said hopefully.

The program sounded reasonable to me, so I asked, "How else would you measure good dentistry?"

"Come watch me work," he said. "Observe my processes."

"That's too complicated and time consuming," I said. "Cavities are the bottom line, and you can't argue with the bottom line. It's an absolute measure."

"That's what I'm afraid my parents and prospective patients will think. This can't be happening," he said despairingly.

"Now, now," I said, "don't despair. The state will help you some."

"How?" he said.

"If you're rated poorly, they'll send a dentist who is rated excellent to help straighten you out," I said brightly.

"You mean," he said, "they'll send a dentist with a wealthy clientele to show me how to work on severe juvenile dental problems with which I have probably had much more experience? Big help."

"There you go again," I said. "You aren't acting professionally at all."

"You don't get it," he said. "Doing this would be like grading schools and teachers on an average score on a test of children's progress without regard to influences outside the school, the home, the community served and stuff like that. Why would they do something so unfair to dentists? No one would ever think of doing that to schools."

I just shook my head sadly, but he had brightened

"I'm going to write my representatives and senator," he said. "I'll use the school analogy- surely they will see the point."

He walked off with that look of hope mixed with fear and suppressed anger that I see in the mirror so often lately.

lalala

i returned to work this week and omg where do i begin???????????????

i couldnt sleep sunday nite
you know how it is
if i fall asleep, then the next moment will bring the dreaded morning
ack ack ack
but i gotta sleep
omfg the nite will be over how will i survive on NO sleep
fall asleep goshdarnit(and some fairly stronger words too)!!!!
my mind was like all over the place, thinking not of work, really, but of things so old and much mulled over already, but i guess not really dealt with sufficiently--old flames, dead friends, drug habits and other various sundry events that i am ashamed of or wish i could change

of course i finally fell asleep and woke up for early morning duty
i dont recall alot of monday,......surprise!...welcome to early onset alzheimers

tuesday i remember
there was a bomb threat at the high school across the street and their entire faculty/staff and student body converged on our campus and all hell broke loose

let's back up just a bit to sweet Mr.T eating a nice quiet lunch in his classroom and answering work related email and voicemails when another teacher asked what was the deal downstairs with all of *school name deleted*'s students in our school

silly sweet me calls the office to get the scoop
even sillier, i run down to see if they need my assistance---well of course they do! it has been announced on the noon news and parents are freaking out
parents of high school students are advised to come pick up their kids from our campus and parents of OUR students freak out because of the proximity of the 2 schools and they are calling and coming to the school to take their precious babies home

major nightmare
next time i really need to just close my door and dim the lights and grade papers or something
on the bright side, i cancelled all my afternoon classes to help deal with the logistical nightmare out front

i come home after that thinking all i really wanna do is sleep since i still havent adjusted to the many hours less sleep per night that i am getting now that we have to like work(over the break i was sleeping about 10 hours or so and that's not counting naps)
i watched the taped episode of days of our lives and just had to call melodie and discuss the newest developments and we decide to call Byrdie(our other daysof our lives-freak friend who moved back to Batavia Iowa last year, and is peb's neighbor now)and do a conference call thingie and we talked for like 3 hours

so dammit tonite IWILLGOTOBEDEARLY
but since its already 930 i doubt it shitshitshit

i must say though, that i although i dont feel like the lexapro has helped my tummy troubles yet, cuz they returned sunday night, with the return of work thoughts, i do feel a lot less volatile--no more screaming cussing coocoo whenever any little annoyance occurs, and though i can still fell angry, i just feel more balanced
maybe with a slight increase of dosage the tummy WILL get better

Byrdie if you read any of this leave me a comment----she's scared to check out my site-she thinks she'll come across gay porn---heeheehee, maybe i'll mail her some!

chrisco has been having trouble accessing the blog
i dont know why
i hope no one else is having problems getting here
i already talk to myself, but this would be taking it to a whole other level

i love this man, i love him i love him i love him
of course, i am totally thrilled with the news that he is moving up in the polls
and is within 5 points of Dean
i think i will put a sign in my yard and make our relationship official

CNN.com - Poll shows Democratic race tightening - Jan. 7, 2004

Herald Sun: Fans sink teeth into Steve Irwin [05jan04]

well i really like the man, but i have to agree that this was a huge huge case of BAD judgment on steve's part

HOWEVER i do believe people are overreacting just a wee bit(i think they overreacted about MJ dangling the baby over the rail) and people would have a total F-I-T if someone tried to tell them what to do or not do with their kids---cant you hear it now"...invasion of my privacy..." "...i'll raise my kids how i see fit..." and on and on, but if it is someone else's family or kids then lets just all pile on!

anyway, the man says he made a mistake, so let it go and move the frell on!

got this today from gary:


To: ForTheBoysTV@yahoogroups.com
Date: Sun, 04 Jan 2004 21:57:13 -0000
Subject: [ForTheBoysTV] Chat




Hey guys - I heard that was an impromptu fag rap in the
ForTheBoys chat room the other night. Sorry I missed it - I was
at work, but anyone interested in setting up a regular chat hour of
some sort, e-mail me back and let me know. If it's going to be in
the evenings, the only nights that would work for me would be
Tuesday and Wednesday, but not too too late, because the booty
calls start arriving at my house by about 9pm!

Happy Birthday Zach!

Love,
Gary

maybe mass will give it a try!

Boudin Balls Recipe

i watched his special tonite and it made me remember how great he really is/was

over time he had become that weirdo; that freak; what has he done to himself now?

now i remeber how gorgeous he was, how sweet, his powerful music and just his presence not to mention how everything he did has been bheen ground breaking

i had pretty much gotten it into my mind that he was probably guilty

thank goodness i saw the show tonite so that i can give him that benefit of the doubt until he has been proved guilty---that right that we all allegedly have that sometimes we forget to afford to all---yes ALL

if you missed the show i can only hope they rerun it soon for you

i ordered the cd/dvd combo online you can too here

i sang and danced as though i were still young

i just wish he still looked like he did 20 years ago
hell, i wish i looked like i did 20 years ago



the pic on the left !