LMRC

out with the old, in with the new

happy 2004!

i just got off the phone with mel; she and her bf are going to a bonfire and wanted me to go but i feel like a quiet evening with my babies
we have been watching tv and barking at people shooting off fireworks(heehee i said shooting off)--yes occasionally i get into the barking/howling fun myself! the babies dont even think its odd that i join in...i'm sure jj is sending someone over with a str8jacket; but really are they instyle this year? and it isnt the right time of year for white

tomorrow i will head back to mother's for bbq and black eyed peas and cabbage; i'm not sure if the whole clan will be there or not, sister nurse has to work and who knows it may just be me and the parental units which would be fine

i hope there is something on besides football tomorrow, maybe a nice naked men of the year or porn stars of the century in action or some silly campy gay flick
oh well, i can always read a book but a nap will prolly be in order after the feast
and then its two weeks of soup---i made a big ole pot yesterday of my specialty
and this time it turned out a lil spicy

it is soooo hard to believe that the holidays are coing to a close and i will be back to work in just a couple of dyas---and i didnt get to chitty chat with the gang; chrisco is the only one that loves me; i guess he gets the boudin balls

ps jazzy it is NOT the year of the twink---think hairier

finally someone has the answer to LMRC

Happy New Year

Last nite Melodie and I had our annual Christmas feast at Hunter's Harlequin, where we eat she drinks and we exchange gifts---and omfg!!!! i had an alcoholic beverage myself!!!!!! my years ago favorite, kahlua and cream....i was buzzing like you don't know....i wonder why you aren't supposed to imbibe while taking SSRIs?

Melodie gave me the book Out on a Leash by Shirley MacLaine, a cutsie bookmark and the annual Hallmark collectible ornament--this years is a cute rendition of winnie the pooh

the alcohol made me a little drunk and i fell madly in lust with this man at another table and melodie had a terrible time trying to keep me from humping his leg heehee; for some reason she was aghast that i wanted to give him my number, i kept telling her that the woman he was with was his sister and not his wife--mel says it doesn't matter--whatever

christmas eve was a total pisser---you know how family things can be; i have one of the typical dysfunctional families, but i just thought this year would be better since i'm on meds
wellllll, there isn't enough medication in the known universe to overcome the family xmas; as a dear friend and i discussed the other night, you don't realize what you have till they are gone so enjoy them while you can

actually it wasn't all that horrible, i suppose
mom and dad were going to xmas eve mass and then were to pick up little ceaser's pizzas and we were to all meet at their house to exchange gifties; first the time was set for 530pm then changed to 6 in case mass lasted longer like it tends to on xmas eve

i live about 20 minutes from the parental units and was getting ready to leave when mom calls and says that they met up with my little brother at church and they all sneaked out early(right after communion) and had picked up the pizzas already for me to come on

by the time i got there everyone else had finished eating and were exchanging gifts---i just felt like i was an afterthought

but i smiled, ate some pizza, opened my gifts, said thank you and left

i had to go back xmas morning to help prepare the xmas feast and xmas day was better thanks for asking; but then it better be since i am the only sibling that will lift a finger to help do any kind of work, but that's another gripe for another day(sardonic grin)

anyway, did i say that that cutie in the restaurant looked AND sounded like TRIP?????

if i don't get a man soon i'm gonna hire one for the nite; maybe our iowan friend will do me for cheap...i hear he is a butch top

oh and 2004 is jazzy's year!!!!!! ask mikey, lol

happy new year to all the horny homos and fauxmos and even the stray hetero that might be in the room

and no i am not making any resolutions to quit anything
i find it easier to resolve to DO things
maybe next year i should resolve to drink more-------water

xoxo
jeff


ps the spellcheck offered "jackass" as a possible replacement for jazzy roflmao

today i woke up really cranky
the kick-the-cat kind of pissy bad mood
so, although i slept for 10 hours last nite, i went back to bed after being up only 3 hours and slept for a few more hours

i feel a little better, but kinda hungovery from the excess sleep
but not cranky
funny, i feel like going back to bed.....hmmmm

i had some very vivid dreams about a man
not anyone i know, maybe its someone you know though, because where else could he have come from if not from someone's memories???
no, he didnt have a cute bunny(i looked)

but no actual sex--story of my life, lol

vivid dreams have been the norm the last wek
you guessed it, thx lexapro!

well i have to bathe the babies tonite, and no excuses!!!
more about dreams later

finally, christmas vacation has begun

this time of year has always been like a box of chocolates.......

unfortunately, it can also be a can of mixed nuts; maybe i can blame it on the lexapro, but everyday is different lately

i feel sad and lonely
i miss all my friends that are gone
whereas before i started on the lexapro, i thought i had found acceptance and maybe i had, but right now it feels all new and fresh again like it was this year that it all happened; i guess i wasnt really over paul's death

when i woke up today, it hit me that he was gone and people, it will be 6 years on february 20

the year paul died, so did frank, and my friend jackie's son jason and oscar left me and i filed for bankruptcy and my brother went to prison

i crawled into a hole and pulled it in after me

i took a year sabbatical and tried ADs and they didnt help but i got the puppies and felt better and went on with the daily grind and went back to work and was nearly murdered and moved to a new school and had the spontaneous pneumothorax and was diagnosed with emphysema and had to stay away from all smoke which meant that i couldnt be around most of my friends

i do not feel sorry for myself in the least
i feel lucky to be alive to have escaped the aids epidemic and to have survived the lung collapse and the murder attempt and the major depression and all that

but sometimes i just dont know how to go forward
i feel trapped in this house in this existence and now in this job, because with so many things wrong i have to have this medical insurance

today i feel sad and alone and even though i have friends all over the world thanks to the blessing of the internet (thx al gore!), it just isnt enough

since i started taking this med, i feel like i can see things more clearly(at least on some days) and realize that i have to get out of here and meet some new people but dont know where to go
i'm no longer religious in an organized way, and have no desire to join a church, cant go to bars, and with empysema, cant really work out so the gym would be pointless; there are no local support groups for people with emphysema and no i do not want to be the one to start one

that's why i am feeling trapped in this house
i do go walking and shopping; i am not agoraphobic, but i do feel shut off from the world

i will be so happy when xmas is over

DING DONG THE WITCH IS DEAD

of course he isnt dead but that's the tune running in my head

although i was and am against the war, i am totally thrilled that the bastard has been captured

CNN.com - U.S.: 'We got him' - Dec. 14, 2003

thank goodness, just one more week till my christmas vacation begins---two weeks off---woohoooooo!

although many of the side effects from lexapro have receded, i still am sleepy all the time
for instance, today, i woke up at 930am, went back to bed at 2pm and slept till 530, and am about ready to go back to bed at 10 pm

so i havent really been able to chitty chat with anyone in soooo long
i hope no one thinks i dont WANT to
i miss you all
thankies for the christmas cards and that cyber invite was HOT---j/k,~g
once my holidays begin i hope to be able to visit with everyone---that's my xmas wish!
love,
jeff

the new series Battlestar Gallactica begins tonite on Sci Fi

i never watched the original series
the remake is supposed to be much darker
if anyone watched the original and watches the new one, i'd be interested in your insights and comparisons

i think i've mentioned recently that my television viewing has increased in duration quite a bit lately. now i am taping Days of our Lives and watching it at night. every summer i watch it but usually stop once i go back to work in the fall; and i followed my usual pattern this year, but........its been all in the news and online about the serial killer killing off all the old major characters and my hag was calling me telling me stuff so now i'm taping and watching it myself
anybody out there a soap addict?

Days Website

the men of my dreams

my little girl, Tess isnt feeling well
she has thrown up four times tonite all on the same rug, thankfully, so i got out the bissell shampooer and and cleaned it
and the bitch threw up again! lol and its okay if i call her that; it isnt an insult...not like when i call my boss one!

and i really have mixed feelings about BD(BitchDog, my boss)
i wrote a few days ago about going to that principal's meeting in her place
well, while there i had a principal tell me that BD has been singing my praises about how wonderful an instructional facilitator i am for the LINCS program
and here i am calling the whore names
oh well, so i'm not always nice
LMRC

dammit i gotta go shampoo the rug again, more later

i went to the doctor yesterday for followup from starting lexapro
yayay he gave me another month of free samples!
when he walked in the examination room, he asked if i was feeling better
i said, better than what?
he was surpised and said, since last visit
i asked him how i felt last time
he started laughing and told me to stop yanking his chain, heehee
i told him that whoever told him that lexapro had few to no side effects was a lying bastard
he asked what side effects i was having and i started enumerating them
he laughed and said "you've been reading the package insert!"
omfg!
i did research the insert online because there wasnt one in the free samples, but i only looked it up because i was having so many bad things happen---horrible headaches, outrageous muscle cramps, being sleepy but unable to sleep, etc...you can read those entries in the archives
Alan always tells me i read too much and then make things happen to myself-----mean hateful bastard!---i dont reallly mean that, he's one of my closest relatives----anyway, he thought i had quit taking the pills and was very surprised when i told him i was still on them

his exam showed that my tummy is still very tender and i told him i dont feel less anxious but i realize it tkes a while to start getting a therapeutic effect and told him about that online support group for people on lexapro and that i was hoping it would kick in soon
he says six weeks and it should start to really help, others tell me 2 months

i thought he would increase the dose but he says lets wait till i go back in 3 months to make that decision, unless i need to go back in sooner

anyway, some of the stress i've been under is now over, but there is of course yet more to endure between now and christmas---and i havent even started MY grinchiness yet! that will start when we get out for the holidays so get ready for that later!!!!

today, i was sent to a principal's meeting in place of BD because she was scheduled to be in 2 places at once; the meeting i attended was related to a program for which i have the joy of being the facilitator

i agonized all last week over attending because i knew i was expected to speak about how we are implementing the program in our school; although i stand in front of children and talk every single day, it's different to stand in front of your peers and talk
anxiety!!!

more joy!! more fireworks!!



others spoke at such length, there wasnt time for everyone to share
PLUS since i arrived first i told the lady running the show i was forced into this at the last minute and wasnt prepared
lol, she told me not to stress, i didnt have to talk if i didnt want to!!

the list of folders that will be monitored was faxed to our school today
you know---the crap i have been dreading and working myself ragged preparing for

not a single one of my folders is being monitored!!!!!!!!