Saturday, December 20, 2003
finally, christmas vacation has begun
this time of year has always been like a box of chocolates.......
unfortunately, it can also be a can of mixed nuts; maybe i can blame it on the lexapro, but everyday is different lately
i feel sad and lonely
i miss all my friends that are gone
whereas before i started on the lexapro, i thought i had found acceptance and maybe i had, but right now it feels all new and fresh again like it was this year that it all happened; i guess i wasnt really over paul's death
when i woke up today, it hit me that he was gone and people, it will be 6 years on february 20
the year paul died, so did frank, and my friend jackie's son jason and oscar left me and i filed for bankruptcy and my brother went to prison
i crawled into a hole and pulled it in after me
i took a year sabbatical and tried ADs and they didnt help but i got the puppies and felt better and went on with the daily grind and went back to work and was nearly murdered and moved to a new school and had the spontaneous pneumothorax and was diagnosed with emphysema and had to stay away from all smoke which meant that i couldnt be around most of my friends
i do not feel sorry for myself in the least
i feel lucky to be alive to have escaped the aids epidemic and to have survived the lung collapse and the murder attempt and the major depression and all that
but sometimes i just dont know how to go forward
i feel trapped in this house in this existence and now in this job, because with so many things wrong i have to have this medical insurance
today i feel sad and alone and even though i have friends all over the world thanks to the blessing of the internet (thx al gore!), it just isnt enough
since i started taking this med, i feel like i can see things more clearly(at least on some days) and realize that i have to get out of here and meet some new people but dont know where to go
i'm no longer religious in an organized way, and have no desire to join a church, cant go to bars, and with empysema, cant really work out so the gym would be pointless; there are no local support groups for people with emphysema and no i do not want to be the one to start one
that's why i am feeling trapped in this house
i do go walking and shopping; i am not agoraphobic, but i do feel shut off from the world
i will be so happy when xmas is over
this time of year has always been like a box of chocolates.......
unfortunately, it can also be a can of mixed nuts; maybe i can blame it on the lexapro, but everyday is different lately
i feel sad and lonely
i miss all my friends that are gone
whereas before i started on the lexapro, i thought i had found acceptance and maybe i had, but right now it feels all new and fresh again like it was this year that it all happened; i guess i wasnt really over paul's death
when i woke up today, it hit me that he was gone and people, it will be 6 years on february 20
the year paul died, so did frank, and my friend jackie's son jason and oscar left me and i filed for bankruptcy and my brother went to prison
i crawled into a hole and pulled it in after me
i took a year sabbatical and tried ADs and they didnt help but i got the puppies and felt better and went on with the daily grind and went back to work and was nearly murdered and moved to a new school and had the spontaneous pneumothorax and was diagnosed with emphysema and had to stay away from all smoke which meant that i couldnt be around most of my friends
i do not feel sorry for myself in the least
i feel lucky to be alive to have escaped the aids epidemic and to have survived the lung collapse and the murder attempt and the major depression and all that
but sometimes i just dont know how to go forward
i feel trapped in this house in this existence and now in this job, because with so many things wrong i have to have this medical insurance
today i feel sad and alone and even though i have friends all over the world thanks to the blessing of the internet (thx al gore!), it just isnt enough
since i started taking this med, i feel like i can see things more clearly(at least on some days) and realize that i have to get out of here and meet some new people but dont know where to go
i'm no longer religious in an organized way, and have no desire to join a church, cant go to bars, and with empysema, cant really work out so the gym would be pointless; there are no local support groups for people with emphysema and no i do not want to be the one to start one
that's why i am feeling trapped in this house
i do go walking and shopping; i am not agoraphobic, but i do feel shut off from the world
i will be so happy when xmas is over
