LMRC

growing up, we always had dogs and cats as part of the family
some of my earliest memories involve them

i remember the german shepherds we had when i was a toddler
when i was 2, Mister had to be put to sleep
Lady lived on without him for about 4 more years
i remember finding her in her pen sitting up, eyes open, but dead

i could tell hundreds of stories of past pets
this story is about the babies that live with me now

1998
january, my brother was arrested for embezzling $168,000
my best friend since childhood, paul, died february 20 of complications from AIDS
he had lived with AIDS for over 10 years, the last 4 were not pleasant, but i was there every single day, until he was moved to hospice in the VA Hospital in Houston; then i could only go once a week to see him; i was supposed to go the day that he died, but the asshole boyfriend i loved so dearly and who abused me so horribly said to wait till the weekend because he couldnt go that day, and of course, things with him had gotten to that point where i wasnt allowed to have choices anymore---another story for another day
april 14, i filed for bankruptcy
april 26, jason died of leukemia, after having been in remission for 5 years
may 3, frank died, also from AIDS
july 9, oscar left me, which although it meant i was free, it also meant i was alone

i was diagnosed with major depression(go figure) and i took a medical leave from work for a year; zoloft made me crazy---really nuts; i was switched to prozac, but felt drugged all the time; one day, my mom told me "you've always had someone to take care of and now they are all gone; you need a puppy, not pills"

wow

since living on my own i really hadnt had many pets, because i worked all the time and partied all the time

i decided to get a chihuahua---we'd almost always had a least one at all times when i was growing up

i adopted armando when he was about 5 weeks old
he wasnt quite weaned, and couldnt really walk well
he needed me as much as i needed him
i had to hand feed him and he was so little i could hold him in the palm of one hand
i think he thinks i'm his mother

well it really did help
i felt, like a third better, emotionally
in my sick sick mind that meant------------------------- you got it-----------i needed two more
i chose a miniature schnauzer (gabriel) and a yorkshire terrier(tess) that came to us when armando was about 3 months old

i remember bringing gabriel home one day and the next day i brought tess hopme and the next day i left and came back, armando was looking all over for another new dog--it was soooo cute--he thought we would get a new baby everyday!!

it did the trick too
i was needed and loved and they really saved my life
i would never have made it without them; i understand how bad it can get because i was there(i also understand why abused women dont leave their abusers--something i never understood before)

so when people dont understand why my babies ALWAYS come first, that is why
i owe them everything and will do without if need be so that they can have whatever they want and need

oh, and did i mention that they are spoiled???

i worry that they will all die in close proximity of time and leave me back in that hell they saved me from; i also wonder at the timing of alan wanting me back on antidepressants when i dont feel like they are really necessary, and the possibility something is wrong with armando----is fate about to show its hand?? but i dont believe in fate
i dont believe that things are predetermined
life is more than a novel with its ending already written
right????