LMRC

unfortunately, i had a very painful, horrible weekend
my gut again
i really wanted to just go ahead and die
anything to make it stop hurting

i felt better for a day, then another bad day
then the depression slammed me down to the ground and grabbed me in a envelope of overpowering emotion

i am scared scared that there is something bad wrong
scared that the colonoscopy will show some horror
scared of a lifetime of pain with no end
scared of colostomy bags
scared that i'll be trapped in that damnable prison for weeks again
scared even more that it will show nothing is wrong and i will have more tests
and the looks from people like maybe there isnt anything actually PHYSICALLY wrong
and of course, thinking that people are giving those looks is just paranoia itself

it's easy to just want to curl up in the bed and do only so much as is necessary

although i have been online, i havent felt up to interacting
i have only felt like whining
you know what big babies men are when they are sick

the worst part is that if i eat or drink, i tend to feel poorly
if i dont, i feel crappy(pardon the pun) too

yesterday and today were okay, just discomfort rather than pain and nausea